Fawn the Flying Ferret

So I come home today to find it is the day Comcast went digital. My tv is the first thing I go to when I come home -yes even before the ferrets get let out. I think the tv announces my presents to them. Anyway, my tv says something along the lines of "If you can see this message, your tv has not been prepared for Comcast's awesome digitalness. Call 1-888-some-thing." Now I had the DTA or Digital Transport Adapter, but hadn't hooked it up. I couldn't figure out why I needed it since I have a brand new HD tv. Why did I have to buy that if I need converters-oh, well, I guess transmitters, anyway? Well, my brother insisted I shouldn't need anything either, so I said I'd wait and see what happened. Looking back that was not the best choice I've ever made, considering I start to get the shakes within minutes of being home and not having the tv on. Has nothing to do with watching it or not. It must be on at all times if I am awake!

So I set to work hooking it up, trying to remain calm as invisible psychologically induced spiders are crawling up my back and I'm beginning to twitch slightly. All is hooked up and for the final step I must call a Comcast machine to activate me. I do this and now I have one channel. My one channel is in analog and its the Chicago Works station. This type of programing does not calm the psychotic creepy crawlies. Meanwhile my brother, who I can only assume is trying to defuse the situation, is sending me comically inspired texts. My family jokes during times of crisis. It helps me when I'm sad. Not when I'm mad!

So where does a flying ferret come into all of this? I have to call Comcast again - who is experiencing a high volume of calls - Really? Not surprising. Anyway, the lady is talking me through some vital steps. Fawn starts biting my ankles. I keep moving away, lifting up victim legs intermittently. I sit on the ottoman, lifting legs, pushing Fawn away, all while trying to focus and follow instructions. Now I'm trying to do the thing where you aim the remote at the tv and wait for the flashing light and then press a series of numbers. Fawn will have no more of being ignored! She climbs up on top of her toy trunk and jumps! Through the air and lands clinging to my hand - with remote! She doesn't fall. I have to remove her. Once in a life time - America's Funniest Home Videos, right? Wrong. She continues to do this leap through the air, land clinging to my hand several more times.

I never got the remote programmed. Now I use two remotes for different jobs aimed at different devices. Great! The one thing Fawn goes feral for is the remote. Now I need to keep two of them away from her. Welcome to the future where everything is more complicated, more expensive, breaks sooner, and provides poorer quality. Oh, and the program still doesn't fill my screen! Its all still square! Can I return this tv and declare shenanigans?

I'm Still a VIRGO!

Whew!

Its Just a Game

When I was a kid you could say pretty much anything except bad words. These bad words consisted only of cuss words. We could run around teasingly calling each other retards, or tards for short. And everyone loved the midgets on Wizard of Oz. The worst, most embarrassing thing a kid could do when I was little was to yell out in the grocery store or bank, "Hey Mommy, that lady is fat!"

Now kids are expected to not only omit the cuss words, but all the bad words, which now include every word that can possibly be offensive to any group of people anywhere on the planet. Yes, tard is definitely out. Thanks to pollitically correct cartoons, kids as young as two are aware of physical differences, familiar with the look of wheel chairs, and aware that disabilities are just one more thing that makes a person special.

When I was little I played a card game called Old Maid. Sure, kids still play that today, but a different version. However, the original version is still sold. I played this card game with a group of kids and a fellow nanny friend in a coffee shop a while ago. In case you have forgotten, this deck on politically incorrect Old Maid includes the lovable characters of Midget Man - and to equally represent the sexes - Midget Lady, there's Fat Lady - the one you're not supposed to yell out about while in line at the bank - and to make her feel worse, there's Thin Man. Not to be forgotten are the Animal Rummy characters of Sassy Squirrel and his friend Gay Dog.

If this doesn't sound bad to you, try naming them to a two year old as he brings each card to you and asks you, "What's this?" You - "Oh Honey, that's a Fat Lady and a Midget Man." Even a small child knows not to call someone fat. And you don't want the other patrons in the coffee house to overhear you explaining what midget means to the newest generation. This word has also joined the new list of bad words along with retard and fat. "What's a gay dog?" That's a question better left to an episode of South Park.

My favorite old beloved childhood story changed to a politically correct version is Larry The Cable Guy's version of "Little Red Riding Hood." Watch it here /www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0PZ31SF7rY The video continues on after the story, I don't know why, with some alphabet burping, which I am not a fan of.